resignation, daily life, anxiety
“You’ve done a great job.”
Last day of work. The boss asked for a handshake as a final greeting. Does this feel like Trump’s handshake when he takes the lead? Holding his hand tight, I also told him that I was really grateful.
“No, the grip… Why are you holding on so tight?”
Not to show much of his disappointment, he left the company and headed home. You finally escaped! The night air was so fresh that I felt like I was dancing because I was so relieved. A whole new life has begun!
Gurada. The next day was the beginning of the same day as yesterday. I didn’t know what to do in such a long time, so I went hiking alone and traveled to a nearby place for about a week to start the “Free Soul” cosplay. The books I couldn’t read the day before yesterday were piled up by the bed and read them - sleep - eat and eat. I often met friends who I had not met before, saying that I was tired. “Wow~ Leave the company. I’m so jealous. Oh, I want to quit too!” The presence of a new employee shines because he or she can be envied wherever he or she goes without doing anything.
But I knew then and now that it couldn’t be better. Unless you’re a billionaire, you can’t play and eat forever. But before and after leaving the company, he went around saying these things proudly.
“I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do anymore.”
“I’m just going to live my life. I’m going to live my life.
“The organization is not really yet (?)” - It’s not now, and I want to be forever, but I’ll add an adverb “Not yet” just in case.
It was a true wish. But anxiety in my heart often lifted my head. ‘What are you going to do if you don’t do anything you don’t want to do, and you think you’re going to be something?’ ‘You’re going to live your life? That’s some dog-eating sound.’
Yeah, it could be dog-eating noises. Because I don’t know how to do anything. Wow, what the hell did I do in college, Titan has 61 tools, but why don’t I have one? Why do new attempts lose interest so quickly? If you spend all the money you’ve saved for me, will you live a life that will satisfy you? I didn’t know anything and I didn’t have anything. Leaving the company was a good thing, but life is not as curious as it is.
In the meantime, anxiety kept forcing them to be realistic. It was easy to dispel anxiety by saying, “It hasn’t been long since I took a break,” but as time went by, this method didn’t work. It meant that if I was persuaded by the raging anxiety, I would have to live with something half-heartedly again. So anxiety was something that I had to control. Then let’s start an objective observation on what’s his “realism” full of anxiety. I made up my mind. He has various candidates.
Candidate 1 of ‘Realistic’. After an ambiguous time, he is deeply regretting such an ambiguous time. To be honest, I’m as worried as I am. According to Lee, I faced the worst situation I’ve ever wanted to avoid “hateful things” and avoid life itself. The mere thought of it makes me feel nauseous.
The reality of Candidate 2 is quite optimistic. After wandering, he found something he really wanted to focus on. They are shouting ‘Life is fun!’ with all their might on the newly built signpost. Unlike candidate 1, anxiety has never shared concerns with Lee. That’s why I’m just trying to worry myself.
The last one is not as provocative as the former’s candidate group, but it has the highest resolution. He is a candidate I think I’m wandering around here, but I’m doing fine without much shortage. I’m getting more and more aware that I don’t need anything great to be afraid of living and I’m quietly practicing. What is most suitable for “realism”?
Of course it was the third candidate. Now is the moment. The most important thing was to feel the specific present life. It was the only way to turn one’s mind, dominated by a sense of flight, into the present. When my thoughts became so clear, everything around me was a vivid reality itself. Every day, a strong bed and a soft bed, a small but home-made warm meal, a Starbucks luxury of giving itself a canoe alone! The more leisurely you enjoy your daily life, the more you gradually took order. I didn’t have much, but I had a lot. I just couldn’t feel it, but I was living well before and after I left the company.
Sometimes I look at the few diaries I wrote down when I was a college student. In countless determined and determined writings, one can see what worries and anxieties one has. Thinking about the future, thinking about covering up flaws, etc. In the meantime, I missed a lot of things. The people around me who were precious, and the experiences and opportunities that I had to enjoy every moment. All the details of everyday life have been missed while such anxiety has kept itself floating in the hazy air.
We still look back on how far the past idea of trying to embody a dim future in the framework of work and business itself was “over” that went alone. There were various plans after leaving the company. I wanted to go on a trip, and I had a hobby to learn this and that. But at some point, all of that was secondary. It’s just that my daily life turned green, and everything seemed new. Just living came as a trip. But my head still gives me a good sense of anxiety. You have to keep trying. Even now, he is constantly trying to feel the sense of the typewriter, the quiet atmosphere of the cafe, and the bitter Americano.