Seoul International Book Contest, Anxiety, Pain

These days, my mind often fluctuates.

From head to toe, the pain from pain does not end only in the body. It is painful to the heart. The pain the mind feels goes far beyond the pain of the body. The pain is not something that can be expressed in writing or drawn in a picture. That doesn’t mean it can’t be explained in words. It’s just painful. Is that why! I can’t even read books these days. No matter how much you focus, the print only fits into your eyes and cannot penetrate your heart. Even if I read a book, I can’t remember what it was about. I can hardly write. Reading and writing was a daily routine, but even that routine is shaken without any reason. It’s painful. Why is it like that? Is my heart shaking because of the pain? Or is it painful because my heart is shaken! I simply don’t want to cover all sins on a single pain. Should I put everything down again! Is there any other way to live? I thought I had laid it down enough to put it down, but it seems that greed was growing again. Not only the greed for writing, but also the desire for new love and business.

“When the wind blows, I think it is you.”

This phrase was found near the tomb of the former president of Bonghama-eul. Sadly, He left with a written heart on the verge of letting go of life. Justice may be missing in our society. There are many great men who have committed all sorts of serious transgressions and endure them until they are smashed on the wall. As such, our lives are precious. That’s why we can’t die easily. I wanted to count the feelings I had to leave with a will of how terrible the pain of being unable to read and write. I visited Bonghama because I wanted to understand the pain of his life that had to be let go. To be honest, I wanted to count my pain rather than count his pain. I wanted to compare the heart of the former president, where the attention of the whole people was focused, and my heart, who was not even interested in anyone. If I could weigh myself and his pain on a scale and compare it, how many grams would it be? Compared to His suffering, my it may not be anything. Nevertheless, I am tired and tired. I wanted to confirm that my pain was small and trivial in front of the bigger and more heavy pain. The reason I wanted to do that is because I wanted to receive some comfort. I wanted to know the weight of pain that can only be put down by death. A person’s heart is unmatched in secret. The fact that everyday life was happiness, not boredom, is just as you can know only when unhappiness strikes. Smaller wounds can become insignificant in front of bigger wounds, and smaller misfortunes in front of bigger ones. Of course, even a small wound and a small unhappiness are definite wounds and unhappiness that each person must take.

There were neither worshipers nor tourists in Bonghama-eul on a summer day.

It was surprising that Bonghama-eul was such a small, small rural village. The former presidential sister, who had been criticized by some media for being an avant-garde, seemed small and shabby. At the entrance of Bonghama-eul, spaces where I couldn’t know whether it was a factory, a junkyard or a used car market were greeted me with anger. It wasn’t until long after the narrow, winding roads that I could see the village under the small mountain. It looked more disturbing than the rural village of Jeongeup where I was born and raised. It was an incredibly small and shabby village that I dreamed of a new life after leaving here. Rural villages are neither romantic nor idyllic as seen on TV. Although it is a quiet and peaceful place, there is only a fierce life there.

For a long time, he wandered without leaving the graveyard of the former president.

Everything was vain like a dream. It was like having a dream. From a long time ago, I have been plagued by the desire to see his extinction with my own eyes. However, my daily life was days of hesitation and not being courageous. Bonghama-eul, which I visited for the first time, was not intended to mourn someone I personally admire. It was just because I wanted to confirm the extinction of the former president, respected by many people, with my own eyes. It’s despicable, but even that way, I wanted to be comforted that my pain and swaying heart weren’t too much. But He gave me no comfort. Realizing only the simple fact that the extinction of a human being is merely extinction, he had to turn a heavy footstep. The world he dreamed of was the world I dreamed of, but neither he nor I were lost. The inhabited world was the way we had to go, but the roads were lost even in rural villages.

Nowadays, I am busy with new business.

This is because it started a business that imported and sold used caravans in the UK and Europe. The travel industry before the Corona era will turn into a personal leisure industry. The trailer caravan, which is a completely non-face-to-face traveler, will be greatly increased in demand not only by some enthusiasts but also by the general public. It is impossible to live by writing only forever. My income that I learned last month when I applied for an emergency employment safety grant in the freelance field was phenomenal. The total income earned from writing lectures for a year was less than 2 million won. The annual income of 2 million won was all of my income last year. It was not a salary, but a life of 2 million won per year. It is as tough as crossing the Sahara without camels for amateur writers to earn and eat with writing. It won’t be much different whether a book comes out or not. Reality was reality. If so, was the severe reality that I had to be aware of that bothered me?

Returning from Bonghama-eul, I had to contemplate for a long time.

The cause of the waves that shook my heart may have been 2 million won. On a busy day like Saturday in England, I was devastated by the reality that the 2 million won I earned a day became an annual salary rather than a salary. That doesn’t mean I miss the days when I wasn’t bound by money. In those days, I lived so busy that I could not feel neither freedom nor happiness. There was no time to write a line or to read a book. There were a lot of expensive brand clothes, but there was nothing to wear. Thanks to him, he is wearing well (?) in the mountains that no one is looking at. In fact, I miss the time when I was engrossed in my work, but I didn’t want to live with only money my entire life. So I gave up everything. But the price was severe. In particular, living without money in Korea was living with anxiety. I was depressed every time I checked the balance of my bankbook, which was shrinking every day. Unknown anxiety swarmed like a tsunami. Without money, you have to endure the shaking of your teeth, and you cannot go to the hospital at will. They do not enjoy any welfare benefits. The same goes for people who live with rare and intractable diseases like me. There are more rare diseases that are not registered in the Ministry of Health and Welfare’s disease code than those that are registered. In fact, many rare diseases that are already registered can be treated. But nobody even cares about this. The same goes for doctors, public officials, and the government. It’s hard to find an institution or a group of experts that research diseases that don’t make money. It is also the cross section of the capitalist society we are facing. The same is true for the coronavirus catastrophe coming, as well as the long-lasting rainy season and the resulting flood damage. It may be a harbinger of the catastrophe caused by developmental territorialism caused by capitalism. These are things I have been concerned about but overlooked. Everything was just words. Developmentalism is still running. This is why both humans and nature are suffering and suffering as the environment is destroyed and the state system is disturbed. It is a world that everyone knows, but becomes an accomplice who implicitly agrees in front of money. Maybe it’s Mother Nature’s warning that the disappearance of all of us is soon. I hear those sounds. Am I going crazy!

In fact, I wanted to put everything down.

So, in April, when spring was in full swing, I entered the mountains of Namdo here. Thanks to this, the lecture income that was still there has disappeared. Not many people came to the mountain to listen to the lecture. As I lived in the mountains, my monthly expenditure fell from over 2 million won to 1 million won. However, even living in the mountains cannot prevent basic spending. You have to pay insurance, go to the hospital, and move your car. Sometimes I have to ride expensive KTX, and in hot summer like these days, I have to go to a cafe in town. On days when the pain is less, only the mind becomes busy. There is no time for the heart to shake. You have to read books, write and do business. Those moments have become so precious. I live by grateful for the times I have only three or four hours a day. During those times when the pain stops for a while, I often mutter “thank you” without knowing. I didn’t know that happiness would be so close. The times when you can immerse yourself in something for a few hours without pain are even phenomenal. It is the most valuable happiness that I could not feel even though I earned more than 2 million won a day in London.

Perhaps life is strewn with pain from the moment of birth.

Everything must change. There is nothing in the world that does not change. It seems like it will last forever, so the love that I swear easily, the friendship between my friends, the happiness I sometimes feel, and the wealth that I had fortunately changed will surely change. My friends I meet after a long time often say that I have changed. It is difficult for him to understand the disconnection of 20 years of immigration in England. 20 years ago, I may be the only name. This is because everything from the body to the mind that constitutes me has changed. People say they don’t change, but that doesn’t seem to be the right thing to say. This is because it changes every day even if you only see me. My heart beats every day like waves. When I re-read the article I wrote the day before, my face is burning and my fingers are scrambled. The whims are boiling.

When dealing with a friend you meet after a long time, you should try to avoid relying on past memories. I try to focus only on the heart that the friend currently has. Because the many languages ​​we speak out are barometers that show our hearts. That is why they are stabbed and cut by horses. Because words are part of the person’s heart. Maybe not part of it, but the person itself. So, I want you to understand each other’s pain a little. We may live with three or four bags of unspeakable pain. They simply ignore them or try to suppress them. I can’t even have the courage to take it out for a while while shouting positivity. Perhaps it is the destiny and the task God gave to humans. So, I am willing to give my heart to pain. Now I want to be friends.

PS: When the wind blows, I think it’s you. I will remember you every time. I couldn’t even say hello that day. In fact, it was so hard to stand facing your dying. I couldn’t eat any of the bongha bread I bought that day in my car. Now, let go of all the pain, read and write books there and live forever. A world in which each and every citizen who is marginalized and struggling in a huge capitalist system lives like a human, must come. Because it is justice and truth.