Love, Relationship

There is a call. His name appeared on the LCD after a long time. Who to call him, what to call us, I don’t know. He is just him, we are just us. From the very beginning we met until now, he has never been he, and we have never been not us.

“I just tried it.”

I can’t remember the last time I saw my face, and he talks neatly as if we were the ones who wake up face to face every morning. So I ask too. Not to be awkward, to sound natural and comfortable.

“Will you come this way?”

It was already dark. When I ran down the stairs of the apartment, he wearing a hat pressed on was smoking a cigarette with his back facing the entrance. I saw rain scattering like dust through the streetlights. I opened my umbrella and approached him.

“I’ll take it.”

The tall man accepted an umbrella.

“Did you eat?”

“no.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“Huh. But I think I’ve been pretending.”

It did not look good on her face. He said he had one hamburger all day long. Please eat properly. Stop eating instant and fast food. I keep working hard and work hard. He sees me in my pouring nagging. Why? Is my nagging too much? He laughed at my weak question. no. Good. It seems to take care of you. There is no one who takes care of you like that. As if to wedge, he said.

I don’t have someone who takes care of me like that.

I wanted to open my hand, so I brought it home. I hate it when I try to open my hand. I hate bleeding, it’s scary. She shook her head like a child and then lie in bed.

Yes, then lie down and rest. Hearing me or not, he fell asleep in no time. I turned off the light because I wanted to sleep comfortably. Was it true that he was pretending, and he sweated all the time he slept. This sleep he sleeps may be a short sleep after a long time. I don’t know why, but it felt like I was sure.

I wanted to do the best I could to protect his sleep.

As I wish, he slept very sweetly. I sat next to him for over two hours, with no lights on and no TV on. I messed with my smartphone, but quit soon. In a dark room, he didn’t want the bluish light on his smartphone’s screen to disturb his sleep.

He still thought, looking into his sleeping face. If now is a short break given to you in a long time, I want to protect it from you. A deep and comfortable sleep that you take in your busy and exhausted daily life.

Watching his sleep, I thought that.

In fact, I was angry.

It was childish, my pride was hurt, and I didn’t want to believe that myself. So if he had a mischievous expression and said, ‘Ah, you’re crazy?’

But in fact I was angry with him. It was a truth that no matter how much I wanted to believe that’no, I’m okay’, I couldn’t even take it out. For his one-sided contact/no contact, no goal between us, for the helplessness that the ambiguity inevitably causes, and thus the question,‘What is our relationship?’ in the end, I have no answer. about.

The fact that pissed me off is that between us is’friendship’,‘love’,‘love’,‘that and that’… … The reason I didn’t have any name was me. The fact that I, and not anyone else, offered you such a relationship. That’s why I was very sorry for the place where you and I are standing now, and the place where we have become neither this nor myself to each other.

But next to you, sleeping, I felt like I knew. Someday, after hearing my complaint like a monologue, the meaning of what you said with your eyes wide open as if startled.

“Us? We are going to last a long time.”

It’s going to last a long time. At that time, I screamed about where that name was, but now I am the person who watched your sleep, short and deep. So, as I want to support just as much rest as you need at that very moment, the name of our relationship seemed to be enough.

I don’t know if we can really last as long as you say. I’m old enough to know that the relationship between man and man flows independently of our will, and that the beginning and end of a relationship are not a finite human domain.

But, sitting next to you who is asleep, lean on your bed, gently sweeping your sweaty hair on your forehead, I wonder if it would be okay to name our relationship “a long-lasting time”. The name of our relationship is ours, and if we understand the meaning and reason of the name, if only we can relate to it, how about doing anything. Every time I see you, the fact that I have anxiety that maybe now is the last time I see you will not be the reason I can’t name it.

Because I’really’ watched your deep sleep. Because you were very’specifically’ resting next to me. Because I knew I was sincere watching your sleep. The truth of the moment, maybe that’s all, because we felt there was nothing more needed between us.

After that moment, I don’t know if I’ve been able to sleep a little differently.